Soap is not a condiment
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize