I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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