Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
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