I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
