You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
