I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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