RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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