So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
