I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
