I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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