I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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