I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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