I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
