I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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