i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
