i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
