Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
