he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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