Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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