sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
