We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize