Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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