I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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