I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
