How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
