I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
