I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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