she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
