im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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