Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
what day is it and did you see me today?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
