Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
