These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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