What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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