Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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