Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
did i just pee glitter
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize