If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
