I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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