It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
