Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
