I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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