It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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