It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
