Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
