its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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