Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
