come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
