Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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