Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
They took my balls.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
