Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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