your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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