Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
