i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
PANTIES FOUND
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
