My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
