If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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