I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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