she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Randomize
