Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
We are two peas in an std pod
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
