We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize